talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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