they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
