The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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