Someone shit on the floor
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i love accidental penises.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
