I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
