I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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