I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
