Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
