My first STD was from a foam party
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Randomize
