So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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