You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I can't turn off my feet"
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
