How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
