im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
