I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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