Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Randomize
