i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
If I die, sorry about rent.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
