ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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