Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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