haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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