Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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