Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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