He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
