Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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