this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
