two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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