I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
