it's not cheating when I paid for it
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
