he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
