I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
