She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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