I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Semen is not good for contacts.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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