I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
