Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
