There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
