the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
