why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
someone owes me an orgasm
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
