i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
