I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
