How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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