Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Randomize
