I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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