News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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