If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
