First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Randomize