I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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