I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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