Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
