i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
