And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Randomize
