Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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