So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
