im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
literally had 100 drinks last night.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
