Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
