I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
