I feel like I'm in dance class right now
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
