pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Randomize
