I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
