I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
